George Zimmerman- the doughy, unlovable, dolt who shot and killed the unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin was somehow, someway found Not-Guilty by a jury of his peers and the world has be left wondering- How the fuck did that happen? Shitty Florida laws combined with a jury ass deep in swampy backwoods anti-intellectualism seems like the only logical explanation.
Consider Juror B37 who has just announced she is authoring a book on the trial which presumably will be entitled, “Juror B37: Insights Into the Mind of an Idiot.” Not much is known about Juror B37 except that she has two adult daughters, a husband who is reportedly an attorney, and that she has a shitload of animals. How many animals? “Too many,” is how many she says she has. Included in her collection of animals is a parrot, lizards, dogs, cats, and even a one-winged crow. I’m sure her house smells… awesome.
During jury selection, Juror B37 lamented about the media, describing the media as biased and untrustworthy which is why she never listens to radio, never surfs the internet, never reads newspapers, and never watched anything on television beside the Today Show. She mentioned she was aware of rioting in Sanford but there have never been any reports of any rioting in Sanford prior to the trial. When asked to describe Trayvon Martin she said, “He was a boy of color,” which by most standards is a racist term bigots use to describe black people. Oh, and boy is she busy. Over and over she repeated how damn busy she was. She’s too damn busy to do much of anything including sleep, much less know a damn thing about the biggest trial since O.J. which incidentally was happening just a stone’s throw from where she lived.
Her identity has not been revealed at this time due to security concerns but one can’t help but wonder exactly what Ms. B37 looks like. Most every George Zimmerman supporter looks like most every Tea Party supporter. White, conservative types who undoubtedly homeschool their children out of fear that a liberal government’s public school education would rot their children’s souls. White, conservative types who own way too many guns and who hoard canned good and survivalist supplies just in case SHTF. Sure Juror B37 fits this bill but we also must consider B37’s pet hoarding when speculating about her looks. Perhaps she bares a resemblance to the Cat Lady from the Simpsons or Debby the Pet Lady from the Howard Stern show, or some combination of the two. Or perhaps in some bizarre twist she is a former Ms. Florida and physically beautiful in every way. I’m looking forward to her unveiling… For curiosity sake.
While it’s not yet known what Juror B37 looks like, we do know what she sounds like. Oh sure, it would be easy to describe her voice as annoying, abrasive, bothersome, or dumb. Sure it would be easy to say she sounds like your childhood friend’s mother who used to yell at him all the time for absolutely no reason whatsoever. You remember her… She was the woman that made you for the first time realize what the word “bitch” meant. For some, that’s exactly what Juror B37 sounds like- snotty with a predisposed disdain toward anyone who does not agree with her and her beliefs. To some people, Juror B37 sounds like the type who would describe a black person as a, “boy of color,” and not even think there was anything wrong with it. The type that would describe George Zimmerman killing Trayvon Martin as “an unfortunate incident that just happened,” and not even think there was anything wrong with it. The type that would repeatedly express sympathy for a killer and not even think there was anything wrong with it.
To some, Juror B37 seemed like the type who could have secretly been quite aware of the case and who secretly wanted nothing more than to be on that jury. She was too perfect. Too ignorant of the case. Too willing to be available during the sequester. Her children are grown, job secure enough to leave for a spell, husband ready, willing and able to care for the countless pet. Hell, even before the trial began B37’s husband was helping her stay away from all potential media sources even going so far as to record her favorite program the Today show, and edit out any references to the case. Doesn’t that sound exactly like the kind of shit attorneys want to her out of potential jurors? To some, Juror B37 came off like someone who wanted to be on the jury. Someone who wanted to participate in the biggest case since O.J. To some, she seemed dumb enough to truly not know that everything she said came off as bigoted, yet just smart enough to know that making the jury would almost certainly result in lucrative book deal. The type of book deal that keeps the countless pets fed and the attorney husband respectful of your financial situation.
Five other women voted to find George Zimmerman not-guilty. One can only speculate as to what manner of asinine shit they said during the jury selection and what manner of asinine shit they’ll say when they make themselves public and announce their book deals. Swampy backwoods anti-intellectualism will surely be in abundance when the other jurors come out of the woodwork to announce their book deals. Florida must be so proud. So proud indeed.
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